words | images

I spent the last four+ months looking for full-time work. During that process, I had a few interviews at a great organization. I really wanted the job. During my final interview with them, I turned toward one of the interviews while she was speaking and inadvertently glanced at her notepad. I managed to see only two words written at the bottom of her paper: “Strong personality”.

I ruminated on that for weeks. What did she mean by strong personality? Was it a bad thing? Did it mean I was talking too loud in the interview? Was I “coming on too strong?” What does “coming on too strong” even mean?

My family thought it was hilarious. My friends tried to convince me that interviewers “write neutral observations that they will discuss the pros and cons of later”.

I didn’t get the job.

When something you really wanted doesn’t come through in the end and you are left asking “Why did I even go through that? Why did I have to get my hopes up?”, the people around you will tell you that there was a reason for the experience, you just may not see it yet.

I spent a few weeks disappointed about that job. I threw myself a top notch pity party. Then I decided that the interviewer was right–I do have a strong personality–and I shouldn’t feel self-conscious about it. And maybe I went through three rounds of interviews just so I would read that interviewer’s note and have the eventual “when Stella got her groove back” moment. (I hate that I just said that. I’ve never even seen that movie.)

Here’s what all this self-realization has brought about: I have since stopped looking for full-time work and, instead, have moved in a really exciting life direction. A combination of stepping back and realizing who I am, what I’m good at, what I value and the kind of lifestyle I want to live in the future (and thus should start living NOW) has lead to working two part-time gigs–one I’ve been at for 2.5 years and one new one with tons of flexibility so that I can—wait for it—

really go for this photography thing.

Weddings, portraits, promo gigs. Bring it on.

I am definitely choosing the less stable route. Someone asked me recently, “What about a 401k?”. I fell prey to their trap for a second and felt a tinge of worry, then I remembered that I am a quarter of a century old. I haven’t even yet stepped completely into this life, it feels. Why would I start worrying about retiring from it?

So here I am. With my strong personality and my ideals and values and opportunity. I am a mix of excited and terrified, which is exactly how I felt when I moved to California in 2009. I think all the best life decisions start from a terrifying and exciting decision.

Did I tell you I have a pen pal? Last week I was doing some great verbal processing about all this to him: idealism vs. pragmatism, etc. etc., and, in response, he said a line that has really helped plant me in this decision: “Your conviction has created a neat story so far, so I see no need to lose trust in it.”

Awesome. Ok. Here we go.